You emphasized over and over how important the event was to you, and still, your partner showed up late.
“One person might say, ‘What a jerk. I’m really angry,’” says TCNJ Senior Research Scholar Candice Feiring. “Another person might say, ‘I get it, they’ve been super-stressed lately. I know they’ll make it up to me.’”
Romantic partners can interpret the same set of events differently, often leading to escalating conflict. But what if partners used the argument to create more intimacy instead?
For years, Feiring has led studies at the psychology department’s Romantic Relationship Research Lab examining how couples handle conflict and how they might do it better. She recently spearheaded a program called HeartSmarts that uses animations to teach relationship skills to young adults ages 18–25. The next goal is to create an AI-driven smartphone app to help them practice the skills learned in the animation.
The tools target the neglected demographic of LGBTQ+ youth, with androgynous and racially indeterminate characters and scenarios specific to queer relationships. In a recent study, Feiring and public health and communications associate professor Yachao Li found that young people responded positively to the animations and were motivated to use the skills in their relationships — which can lead to better relationships and mental and physical health over time.
Just in time for Valentine’s Day, their work (and that of other relationship scientists) presents the following advice for managing conflict in romantic relationships:
- Pick the right moment. When faced with strong emotions, consider cooling off first. Tell your partner you want to talk but need 30 minutes to collect your thoughts before engaging.
- Actively listen. Practice listening to your partner’s concerns without formulating a response in your head right away. Really try to understand what is bothering them — from their viewpoint.
- Paraphrase. Let your partner know you heard them by summarizing the key events that are causing the conflict. Doing so puts you on the same page so you can work on moving forward, together.
- Empathize. Humans are emotional beings. Along with repeating your partner’s thoughts, use emotion words to show you get how they are feeling.
- Don’t apologize too soon. Saying sorry immediately may seem like you are brushing aside a problem. Sit with it to better understand it first.
- Pick one problem. Stick to the current event that upset you, rather than bringing up past fights or trying to solve everything at once — a sure recipe for a fight to go off the rails.
- Avoid expectations for a quick fix. After listening and understanding each other’s viewpoint, you may or may not have some ideas about next steps. Acknowledge your partner’s willingness to engage and make a date to check in and continue working things out.
As threatening as fights can sometimes seem in a relationship, Feiring says, they can be an opportunity to understand your partner’s needs — and express your own.
“Conflicts are common among people who are close,” she says. “You might actually think of them as a way to foster intimacy.”
— Michael Blanding